Christmas Spirit
by Delicious Poundcake
Summary: A Christmas Carol-style parody. Gary Smith goes on a supernatural adventure and learns the TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS. Well, er... kind of.


Upon seeing the current state of the boys' dormitories at Bullworth Academy, anyone would be forgiven for thinking that all the students within had to be paragons of Christmas cheer. The walls were adorned with paper garlands and tinsel, Christmas cards were strewn across every available surface and there was even a sprig of mistletoe hanging in the hallway that _most_ of the boys took great pains to avoid walking underneath.

Was it really any wonder that Gary Smith was in a bad mood?

"_Mittens_." Gary frowned at the woolen monstrosities in his hands with the utmost distaste. "You got me _mittens_ for Christmas. Thanks a lot, Grandma Petey! Did you knit them yourself?"

"You kept complaining that your hands were cold," Petey explained, his ears turning red in the way they did when he was feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed. That only furthered Gary's suspicions that the fucking _girl_ had knitted them personally. Great. "Look, they're teal-coloured so they'll match your uniform and -"

"Oh, they _match my uniform_!" Gary pretended to wipe a tear from his eye, clutching the mittens to his chest tightly. "In _that_ case, this is the best present I've ever had."

Petey folded his arms defensively and pouted at the carpet. "You don't have to be such a jerk about it. At least I got you something."

"And I'm _so_ grateful. Can't you tell?" The mittens made a soft _thud_ as Gary dropped them into the dorm trashcan. "See, I've put them in a safe place for later."

For a moment, it looked like Petey was torn between anger and tears. Frankly Gary would have found either option amusing, but instead the smaller boy merely turned around and walked back to his dorm room in silence. _Boring_. Gary rolled his eyes - God, he was such a _baby_...

"Good going, jerk." Jimmy abandoned his spot on the sofa and followed after Petey, making sure that he knocked forcefully into Gary's shoulder as he passed. "It's Christmas Eve. Couldn't you just give him a break?"

"What? He made me a pair of _mittens_," Gary said incredulously as Jimmy closed the door behind him. Trust _Saint Jimmy, King of the Brainless_ to take Pete's side. With a moody sigh, he sank down onto the recently-vacated sofa and turned on the TV. _Might as well stay here for a while_, he decided. _It's not like I'll get any sleep with Petey sniffling away in our room, anyway..._

* * *

"Gaaaarrryyy..."

"Go away." God damn it. Gary had fallen asleep in front of the TV, which was bad enough - anyone found sleeping in the common area was _asking_ for trouble. Moreover, he'd been having an _amazing_ dream about ambushing Santa Claus, hog-tying him and zooming around campus on his sleigh whilst pelting everyone with eggs. He kept his eyes stubbornly shut in the hopes that he could return to the dream. "Sleeping."

"Gaaary Smiiith!"

Ugh. He knew that voice. Gary honestly couldn't think of anything more horrifying to wake up to than Jimmy Hopkins' moronic face, so he only screwed his eyes shut more tightly. "Get lost."

"Wake the hell up, already. I'm on a tight schedule."

Okay, now he was getting pissed off. Gary opened one eye. "Listen, _Hopkins _-" He stopped dead as the full absurdity of the situation suddenly hit him. "What the hell are you doing?"

Jimmy was standing over him, wearing the skeleton costume he'd got last Halloween coupled with a supremely dumb-looking set of plastic shackles and chains. _What the fuck?_ Gary would have found it funny under any other circumstances, but not now. Jimmy had _interrupted his sleep_. This was serious fucking business.

"I'm not Jimmy," the boy-who-most-definitely-_was_-Jimmy said. "I'm a spirit adopting his form and personality, sent to you with a warning."

_Again_, Gary thought, _what the fuck?_

"Right, Jim-boy. Sure. Get lost and let me go back to sleep, moron!"

"Seriously. A _dire_ warning." Jimmy rattled his plastic chains in what he clearly thought was a spooky manner. "_Oooohhh._"

This was getting _way_ too weird - even by Bullworth standards. Gary's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "James. _Jimmy._ Have you been taking my meds? One of us is tripping hardcore right now, and I'm pretty sure it's not me."

Jimmy ignored the question. "Gary Smith. Tonight you will be visited by three spirits - the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and of the future yet to come. They will -"

"Wait wait wait." Gary sat up, all thoughts of going back to sleep abandoned. "You dressed up like an idiot - even more so than _usual_ - and woke me up for _this_? You're going to rip off the most famous Christmas story in existence? Well, except for that one about the virgin and her magical holy superbaby. I hear that one's pretty popular, too."

"Sacrilege now? Nice."

"Hm." Gary's brow furrowed deeply. _That_ was odd. Not quite as monosyllabic as he was used to from Jimmy. "Look at you! How _advanced._ You even opened a dictionary to try and fool me, huh? Nice try."

"I've told you - I'm not Jimmy. I'm just using his form 'cause manifesting as a generic spirit would be _way_ boring." Jimmy sighed frustratedly. "I thought you were supposed to be a genius."

"This isn't going to work, dumbass." Gary got to his feet. "Screw this. I'm going to bed."

"But -"

"Get out of the way, moron!" Gary attempted to shove Jimmy aside, but found to his dismay that the other boy seemed to be remarkably _un-solid_. His arms passed right through Jimmy with a horrible wet _glop_ sound.

_What. The. Fuck._

"Told you," Not-Jimmy grinned. "See? Ghost. Look, now you got ectoplasm all over you. That stuff's a complete bitch to wash out of clothes, y'know."

"Uh," Gary uttered, staring in disbelief at the otherworldly goo now coating his arms. Okay, then, it was obviously _him_ who was tripping his balls off. Okay. Fine. Maybe someone put LSD in his Christmas cake or something. It was alright, he could deal with this. He'd just go along for the ride.

"As I was saying," Not-Jimmy continued. "Dire warning. Three festively-themed spirits. Change your life, blah blah, everyone lives happily ever after. Any questions?"

"Yeah. Aren't you supposed to appear to me as someone who's dead? Does that mean Jimmy's dead now? Choked on his own stupidity, smothered by his gargantuan ego...?"

"Nope."

"Shame."

"Whatever." The spirit rolled his eyes. "Look, I gotta get going. Places to go, people with attitude problems to visit..." He began to fade away before Gary's eyes. It was _horribly_ unsettling. "The first spirit'll be here on the hour. See ya."

"Not if I see you first," Gary responded automatically. He checked his watch - fifteen minutes before the first visit. That'd give him enough time to run down to the gym and get a shower, right? He was _not_ going on a clichéd magical Christmas adventure with supernatural goop caked all over him, damn it. Especially when it was _Jimmy's_ supernatural goop. Urgh.

* * *

Gary stepped out of the shower and quickly wrapped a towel around his waist. Well, at least _something _had gone well tonight - he'd managed to get down to the gym without being collared by a prefect. He wouldn't usually be bothered about getting into trouble - come _on_, the events last year had more than proved _that_ - but today it'd be a bit difficult to explain why he was breaking curfew.

_"Well, I needed a shower because of all this glowing mystical slime that's all over me. See? I got covered in it when I tried to touch Jimmy's ghost. Even though Jimmy's not dead. Gross, huh?"_

Yeah, he'd be shipped off to Happy Volts in no time. _No, thanks_.

"You, boy!" A voice coming from the changing room doorway almost startled Gary into dropping his towel. "What are you doing here?"

_Shit. Crabblesnitch._ Gary was already on _very_ thin ice with the principal after the whole tying-him-to-a-chair-and-causing-a-schoolwide-riot thing, so this couldn't possibly end well. "I was, er... Getting a shower?"

"We do _not_ have time for such trivialities, Smith." Crabblesnitch took a couple of steps towards Gary, who quickly backed off. Apparently, the headmaster had no concept of personal space and how boundaries changed when someone was wearing _nothing but a fucking towel_. "Come along, boy. We don't have all night!"

Gary was about to make several choice comments that would likely lead to his immediate expulsion, but managed to stop himself in time. On closer inspection, it seemed that Crabblesnitch might not quite be... himself. The principal was glowing slightly in the semi-darkness, which meant he was either the first of the three _spirit things_ or Edna's cooking today had been radioactive. Both options seemed equally likely at this point. "Ghost of Christmas Past...?"

"Very perceptive," the Ghost-Who-Was-Not-Crabblesnitch sniffed. "I trust you have no objections to me taking this particular form? It was deemed to be suitably authoritarian without being unfamiliar."

"No objections at all," scowled Gary. "I just _love_ the idea of hanging out with my principal. After curfew. While half-naked. We should do this more often."

Crabblesnitch nodded and waved an arm towards the exit. "Then come with me, young Smith. We have much to see."

"Let me put on some pants, first."

The spirit shook his head sombrely. "We are late enough as it is, thanks to your little detour. Nobody will see you when you are with me, therefore you will have no need of pants."

Gary glowered sullenly as he tightened his grip on his towel. "I was afraid you'd say that."

* * *

_What the fuck?_ Gary thought, for seemingly the billionth time that night. _I'm home?_

After leaving the gym with Crabblesnitch, he'd obviously expected to be, well, outside. He'd been _wrong_. The gym door had somehow opened directly into Gary's room back at his house. "Trippy."

"Yes, many people say the same thing about time travel," Crabblesnitch said calmly. "I am told it can be quite disorienting for people who aren't used to it."

"You don't say." Gary attempted to pick up a toy aeroplane from his desk, only for his hand to pass straight through it. "Shit."

"Watch your language, young man. As you can see, we are in your bedroom as it was one decade in the past." The spirit spread his arms wide. "Behold, the Christmas That Was!"

_Man_, this was getting cheesy. "Riiight. Get on with it, already."

Crabblesnitch let out a sigh before leading the way out of the room and down the stairs. Gary looked around with interest - it was odd, seeing his house all done up with Christmas decorations like this. He hadn't spent the holidays at home for _years_. The weirdness of the situation only intensified when Gary reached the living room. There, in front of him, was a six-year old version of himself running around amidst heaps of shredded wrapping paper and cackling insanely.

"Trippy," he repeated. His younger self let out a gleeful whoop, flung himself to the floor and began rolling over the colourful piles of paper. He couldn't help but wonder how it took so long to get him diagnosed with A.D.D. when his parents had seen things like _this_.

"You see," Crabblesnitch said, "you were innocent, once."

Gary rolled his eyes mockingly. "Yeah, and now here I am - hanging out with older men after dark without any pants. How things change."

"What hardened your heart, Gary Smith?"

"Edna's cooking definitely hardened my arteries. Does that count?"

The spirit's eye twitched slightly. "Your sarcasm is not constructive, boy. No matter. Shall we go? There is something else I must show you before our time together is concluded."

* * *

Within the blink of an eye Gary found himself back at Bullworth, standing just outside the boys' dorm. "Knock it off! At least give me a warning before warping me around like that. God."

"Apologies." Crabblesnitch clasped his hands behind his back. "This is a Christmas of the very recent past - last year. Do you remember where you were, Smith?"

Gary let out a heavy sigh as he indicated the boys' dorm. "In there."

"Let's go take a look," the spirit said, ushering Gary inside. They walked together to Gary's dorm room, where Gary-from-the-past was sitting cross-legged on his bed. He was holding a bar of chocolate with one hand and scribbling notes about his various schemes with the other. _A magnificent display of multi-tasking_, Gary thought proudly.

"Alone," Crabblesnitch said. "How does that make you feel?"

"Oh, it makes me feel sooo sad," Gary lisped, adopting a tearful high-pitched voice that reminded him irresistibly of Petey. "Forgive me, sir, I have to go change my entire outlook on life so that I can go spread Christmas cheer to the poor, the needy, and the tragically dumb."

"As I have already stated, your sarcasm is helping nobody. Think of everything you're missing."

"If I wanted to experience the magic of togetherness and friendship and terrible singing, I'd watch a Disney movie."

"That's not all you missed," Crabblesnitch said mysteriously. "Come."

Gary trailed along after the spirit as they headed towards the main school building. This was _so dumb._ As if he was suddenly going to be infused with holiday spirit or be wracked by remorse or something. _Really_. Like he cared if he spent Christmas alone! What the hell was everybody's problem?!

They were inside the main hall now. Crabblesnitch pointed up the stairs. "Behold. Coming out of my office..."

It took Gary a few seconds to fully take in the sight. "Is that Jimmy-boy?"

"It is."

"In a... a reindeer sweater?"

"Yes," Crabblesnitch said gravely. "I have it on good authority that it plays _Jingle Bells_ when you press its nose."

Gary gazed at the sight, transfixed. He was close to tearing up, seriously. "It's _beautiful_."

"Just think. Had you not spent Christmas alone, locked away with your plots and scheming, imagine the teasing you could have done. Picture the torment you could have inflicted. Such a waste."

He was _right._ The opportunity of a lifetime, gone. Gary dropped to his knees in horror, making sure that he kept a tight hold on his towel as he did so. "Oh God. What have I _done_?!"

* * *

"My lesson is now over."

Gary scrambled to his feet. He was back in the changing rooms once more. "I... I could have ripped on him. I could've ripped on him _so bad_."

"Indeed. If you continue along your current path, you will _always_ miss such opportunities." The form of Crabblesnitch began to fade, just as Jimmy had done. "Think well on the things you have seen, Smith. And hurry back to your dormitory - the next spirit shall be with you shortly. Farewell..."

Gary shuddered - whether from the cold or heebie-jeebies, he couldn't tell. Okay, that had been _intensely_ disturbing... Not least because it actually made him doubt himself. What the hell? he was _Gary Smith_, damn it, and he was _not_ going to be changed by something so ridiculous. _Fuck it._ He was going to return to the dorms and go back to sleep. Any interfering, goody-goody ghosty-spirity-things could go and screw themselves.

Before that, though, he was going to put on some clothes.

* * *

"_You_ are _late_!"

Gary stopped dead in his tracks. So much for sneaking back into bed without a fuss. A shriek like that was bound to wake up the entire dorm, if not the whole _school_...

Wait. That was a _girl_. In the _boys'_ dorm. And she was _still_ screeching at him.

"Don't you act innocent with _me!_ You are seven minutes and twenty-two seconds late. You can't treat me this way! Who do you think you are? Who do you think _I am?!_"

Okay, Gary was _seriously_ confused. It was an unfamiliar feeling, him being a genius and all. "Pinky?"

"Right. Well, you know, _kinda..._ Hey, don't change the subject! I expect an apology. You think you can show up late, just because I'm a spirit? Oh, that's _so_ typical of jerks like you, only interested in a girl for her corporeal body..."

_Ohh_. "Gauthier, why are _you_ the Ghost of Christmas Present?"

The spirit put her hands on her hips. "Isn't it obvious? Because I'm a _princess!_ And nobody on campus knows more about getting Christmas presents than me. Gosh, for someone who thinks he's sooo smart, you're kind of stupid."

This? _This_ was why girls weren't worth Gary's time. Ugh. Five minutes with Pinky and he was already contemplating jumping off the nearest cliff. "Uh-huh. Well, I'm done with all this _magical voodoo Christmas_ crap. Why don't you go annoy Jimmy? He _likes_ it when strange girls come to his room at night and moan at him."

"Oh, no no _no_!" Ghost-Pinky prodded him viciously in the chest, leaving a neat glob of ectoplasm on his sweater-vest. _God damn it._ "No. You are _not_ going to just stroll in here - _late!_ - and decide that you're not coming with me. No. You don't have a choice, loser!" She pointed to the dormitory door with one hand, the other balled into an angry little fist at her side. "If you don't come with me, _now_, I'm going to haunt you for the rest of time. So _move it!"_

"Fine." Gary stamped out of the door, grinding his teeth. Girls _sucked._

* * *

It was light when Gary stepped outside, even though it had _obviously_ been the dead of night just seconds ago. He turned to Pinky, glaring suspiciously. "Did you just do that time-travel-without-warning-me thing? Because I already had Crabblesnitch pull that shit on me tonight and I _don't like it."_

"_Baby_," sniffed Pinky, examining her nails with exaggerated boredom. "Come on."

"Why are we time-travelling _anyway_?" Gary grumbled, following her towards Harrington House. "You're the Ghost of Christmas _Present_, moron. Not the Ghost of Christmas A Few Hours In The Future."

"Well, yeah, that's more accurate. But not as catchy." Pinky pointed to the door. "Go on. In."

"Ahh, Harrington House!" Gary clapped his hands together as they stepped inside. "The only place on campus where you can see real live specimens of inbreeding for use in science projects. Excellent."

"You're not funny. Ooh, look!" The spirit clapped her hands excitedly and pointed at the _real_ Pinky, who was picking out a present from under the Christmas tree. "I look sooo cute in those pyjamas!"

"Is there an actual point to bringing me here?" Gary raised his eyebrow. "Except for squealing about how, _ohmigod, Gord's new sweater is like sooo to die for_?"

"It _is_, isn't it? I mean, uh, don't be stupid. Look how happy everyone is!" Pinky motioned towards the laughing, contented preps. "Right now, nobody cares about who's richer than who, or who's sleeping with whose uncle."

"United through greed. It's a principle I can get behind."

"What? No," Pinky snapped. "They're all just happy being together."

"Oh," Gary said, perfectly deadpan. "How touching."

"Ugh. You're _impossible!"_ Pinky stamped her foot. "Follow me. And we'll be bending time and space again, so don't start whining that I didn't warn you," she added, flouncing back out of the door.

* * *

"Okay... Where are we now?"

"You don't know?" Pinky placed her hands on her hips. "Oh my God. You are the _worst friend ever._"

"I don't _have_ friends," insisted Gary. "Friends are for the weak."

Pinky rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, we all know your little lone-wolf-type catchphrase. We're at your _not-friend_ Pete's house, then. He's home for Christmas, so let's go look!"

A chance to see Petey in his natural environment was an intriguing prospect, Gary had to admit. He and Pinky stepped into the dining room, where the entire family was sitting around the table. The Kowalskis were clearly the type of family who liked to invite as many people as possible to their holiday gatherings. _It's like a scene from the girliest Christmas movie ever_, Gary thought with unrestrained disgust. _'A Very Femme-boy Christmas', coming soon to a cinema near you._

"Well?" Pinky asked. "What do you think?"

"I think that if I'm supposed to be Ebenezer Scrooge, Petey must be my Tiny Tim." Gary started snickering uncontrollably. "Or Puny Pete, if you will."

Pinky glared in that horrifyingly intense way that all girls were gifted with. "Shut up. Listen."

"Jimmy seems _very_ nice," a woman who Gary vaguely recognised as Petey's mom was saying. "Such a polite young boy! What happened to the other friend you wanted to bring?"

Petey blushed and looked down at his plate. "Oh, uh, Gary was kind of busy. You know how it is."

"That's a shame, dear."

"Hear that?" Pinky beamed. "Even now, Petey wishes you were there and considers you to be his friend. Feeling guilty?"

"Ow." Gary suddenly clutched at his chest, doubling over in pain. "Agh... _Fuck._"

"What?" Pinky hopped a little in a rather un-spirit-like display of panic. "Hey! Hey, what's wrong?!"

Gary straightened back up, smirking. "I think my heart just grew three sizes. Man... You sure showed _me_."

"Oh, you are just the _worst,"_ spat the spirit. "Look - my point is, you hurt others as well as yourself by being a selfish idiot. If you weren't such a mean jerk to Pete, he'd have invited you here for Christmas lunch. I mean, there's no accounting for taste..."

"So I'm supposed to be consumed with guilt because little Petey didn't ask me to come to his stupid _party?_ You actually think I _want_ to be here?" This was, by far, the most ridiculous thing Gary had heard all night.

"Yes. Firstly because it means you don't have to eat the food from the school cafeteria. Secondly, look." Pinky pointed at the door as it opened - Jimmy entered the room, clad in what seemed to be another horrible Christmas-themed sweater. "You'll get the chance to pick on Jimmy while he's wearing _that_. Apparently, it plays _'Silent Night'_ if you poke the little felt snowman. Ew." Her nose wrinkled in distaste. "And thirdly, you'll get the opportunity to hear all the nicknames Petey's family has for him. Potentially _embarrassing_ nicknames."

"Embarrassing nicknames?" Gary's eyes misted over. "You don't say."

"Uh-huh. And when she's had a few glasses of sherry, Grandma Kowalski has a tendency to tell stories about what it was like potty-training baby Petey."

"Stop," Gary whispered. "I'm getting all choked up."

"Hmmm. You'd also get a taste of the whole family-and-friends-together-at-Christmas thing, but we both know you're _way_ too cool to care about that." Pinky waved her hand in the air dismissively. "Right, I'm done. Time to go back. You still have another visit tonight, don't you? And I have some stuff I need to do, too..."

* * *

By the time Gary got back to the dorms, he was half an hour late for his next 'appointment'. Preparing himself for another enraged onslaught similar to Pinky's, he stepped inside the dormitory.

Nobody was there. No ghosts, no students, no ghosts _disguised_ as students - nothing. Gary wondered if the next spirit had got bored and left. _He_ would've done that by now, anyway. Shrugging to himself, he continued through the dorm and into the room he shared with Petey. The pipsqueak was asleep - no big surprise, considering how late it was, but Gary couldn't help but feel a sense of relief. At least now he wouldn't have to explain to Petey why he'd been outside all night, or why he had a stain on his sweater-vest that glowed in the dark. He was an expert liar, but he didn't think he could explain away _that_ one.

Not while he was _this_ tired, anyway.

Rapidly losing interest in Petey's sleeping form, he collapsed onto his own bed and closed his eyes. _Finally_. He was totally and utterly exhausted. Time travel was, apparently, _really tiring_.

_Fucking time travel._

A mournful voice broke the perfect silence of the room. "Oh. _There_ you are."

Gary sat bolt upright, quickly strangling the shocked yelp that threatened to escape him. Disembodied voices, now? _Really?_ He glanced across the room at Petey. Thankfully, he was still sound asleep. "Who's there?"

"I bet you'd forgotten about me, hadn't you?" Constantinos Brakus stepped out of the shadows, his shoulders hunched. "People do that."

Annnnd there was ghost number three. In the form of the whiniest kid on campus. Fan-fucking-tastic. "I didn't _forget_, idiot. I was just late because the Ghost of Christmas Present wanted to check out the Aquaberry store before bringing me back here." _Girls._

"Oh." Constantinos sighed heavily. "Oh, right."

There was an awkward silence. Gary tapped his foot impatiently - he did _not_ have time for this crap. "Look, are we going to wait around here all night? Because I was under the impression that you were supposed to try and scare the shit out of me with horrible visions of the future or something."

"That's the trouble with being a spirit. Nobody ever wants to spend time with you. It's all business."

Gary targeted the gloomy spirit with his very best glare. "This is going to be depressing, isn't it?"

"Of course," Constantinos replied. "Why d'you think _this_ form was chosen to guide you through this part? Come on. Let's go visit your future. Just don't expect to _like_ it or anything."

* * *

"So," Constantinos said as he led Gary through the streets of Old Bullworth Vale, "Having a good night so far?"

At this point, Gary would have been contemplating murder if the spirit wasn't already kind of dead. "Oh, _sure_. I'm having the time of my fucking life."

"That's good," the spirit sighed, clearly oblivious to the sarcasm. "I've been having a _terrible_ time. Showing jerks like you all of the horrible stuff that happens in their future gets to be genuinely upsetting, you know."

"Oh."

"Yeah... You'd be surprised at how many visits we ghosts have to make every Christmas Eve. It really ruins your faith in humanity."

"Mm-hmm."

"At least we're doing something worthwhile. I _guess_." Constantinos shoved his hands in his pockets. "I know the whole _three ghosts of supernatural Christmas time travel_ thing is hokey and clichéd, but it usually gets the job done."

"Yeah, well, the other two ghosts already got me convinced. I learned my lesson - that compromising now leads to greater opportunities for mockery later." Gary shrugged. "This is all seriously unnecessary."

"Typical," the ghost sighed bitterly. "_Typical_. Way to make me feel even more redundant than usual, jerk!" He sped up his pace, muttering half to himself in a sulky rage. "God, people think my job is sooo easy. I'd like to see someone _else_ do what I do! It's not as simple as just pointing at a grave and poof - one reformed mortal. It takes... it takes _timing_! And subtlety!"

The only thing that stopped Gary from screaming at the ghost to _shut the fuck up already_ was the disturbing thought that it might leave him here, stranded in the future for all time. He settled for scowling malevolently at Constantinos' back instead.

It didn't help.

"...And I'm _so_ under-appreciated. You have _no idea_. Anyway, we're here." The spirit waved a hand. "The cemetery. Oooh. Spooky."

The graveyard didn't look all that different to how it was in Gary's own time. It was a little _fuller_, sure, but not much else had changed. _If this means that I die young_, he thought, _I'm going to have to take as many people with me as possible. Fire should do it. _Lots_ of fire._

"There," Constantinos declared, blissfully unaware of Gary's increasingly homicidal thoughts. He pointed at one of the nearby gravestones with apparent relish. "Your grave. See the lack of flowers and, uh, stuff? That's because nobody cares that you're dead. Depressing, huh?"

"What? No. Why would I give a crap about what happens _after_ I'm dead?" Gary knelt down to examine the headstone more closely. "Hey, this says I live to be, like, almost a hundred. Fuck, yes."

Constantinos let out his most mournful sigh yet. "Well, yeah. You die very old and very rich. But also very _alone_!" He wiggled his fingers dramatically. "Oooooohhh!"

"Rich, too? Excellent." Gary rubbed his hands together in glee. "This kicks _so_ much ass. I assume I'd still die rich and old if I followed all the _'be nice to people'_ advice on occasion?"

Something had gone horribly wrong here. "Yes. That's not really the point, tho-"

"Sold." Wow, this hadn't been nearly as depressing as Gary had anticipated. He smirked at the spirit, who now looked more melancholy than ever. "Your job really _is_ pretty redundant, huh."

* * *

"Petey. Petey, wake up."

"Murfgh," Petey mumbled, which roughly translated to _'I'd tell you to leave me alone if my mouth wasn't full of pillow'_. He pulled his bedsheets up over his head in an effort to block out the voice.

"Pete? Don't try and ignore _me_, Femme-boy. Get up, moron, it's Christmas."

Petey tentatively peered out from under the bedclothes. Gary was standing by his bed, arms folded and grinning like a maniac. Uh-oh... That kind of smile _always_ meant trouble. "Whuh. What time is it?"

"Seven. Get _up_," Gary said, prodding him impatiently. "Don't make me drag you out by your feet. C'mon, I got you a real nice present."

_Oh no._ Any trepidation Petey had been feeling instantly doubled. He reluctantly slid out of bed, eyeing the other boy with wary mistrust. "You didn't have to get me anything," he mumbled, plucking nervously at the hem of his pyjama top.

Wait - was Gary actually wearing the mittens he'd got him? _Voluntarily?_ What the hell...?!

"Don't be ungrateful, Petey," Gary grinned. He handed the smaller boy a piece of paper. "Merry Christmas."

Petey looked down at the paper. To say he was now _completely_ weirded out would be a pretty massive understatement.

_To Petey: IOU one whole day free of torment. - Gary_

There was only one explanation for this. Gary Smith had obviously been given a total personality transplant at some point overnight. "Gary..."

"What?"

"This is the best present _ever_," said Petey, genuinely meaning it. "Thanks!"

"Yeah, yeah." Gary rolled his eyes. "Just don't try and kiss me or anything. The mistletoe is _that_ way."

"Right. You know, uh..." Petey shuffled his feet awkwardly, very much aware that Gary being in a good mood was no reason for him to let his guard drop. "My mom said I could invite a couple of friends home for, um, Christmas stuff. I was going to ask you yesterday, but, y'know... So if you _want_ to... I mean, Jimmy's coming too, so, um..."

"Are you asking me on a _date?_ I'm touched."

"Ha, ha."

Gary's grin only widened. "Of course I'll come, little Petey! Like I'd miss the opportunity to... to _spend time with you guys_. Yeah."

There was something awfully foreboding in Gary's uncharacteristic enthusiasm for the idea, but Petey quickly dismissed it. After all, it was _Christmas_. The season of togetherness and all that. Even Gary Smith couldn't possibly have evil plots in mind at Christmas!

Right?

* * *

**Author's note:** FIN. :B Happy whatever-holiday-you-celebrate, zomg! MAY IT BE FILLED WITH JOY AND/OR CRACK.


End file.
